I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
