im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
