Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
