So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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