The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
People with herpes should wear stickers.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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