Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
