Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
