hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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