I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
All I want is dick and wine.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
