Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize