it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
