So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
