yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
They have beer where we have blood.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
