i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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