i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize