I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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