Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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