Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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