id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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