My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize