Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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