Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Randomize
