I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I just googled if crying burns calories
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
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