if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
