3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
The power of my boobs compel you
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
