Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Pants are for mortals
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