Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
