you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
