i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
