Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
