just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize