You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
