There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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