Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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