I'm going to rape someone's good day.
the day after is always just damage control
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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