The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
