I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
