i was rollin on her like bob the builder
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Randomize
