why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
My ass is underappreciated
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
