I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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