I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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