i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
