I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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