Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
