I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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