What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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