Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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