i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
