You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
