I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
