Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize