Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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