He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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