your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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