I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
